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Mourning When A Pet Dies: Grief Is Strange

11/14/2013

7 Comments

 
'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: 'explanations take such a dreadful time.' -Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Caroll
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A back yard adventure in 2003
Typist: Bethany
Gryphon has been gone for almost two weeks and I just realized that I really miss him. I know that sounds crazy but, as a friend so eloquently told me last week, "Grief is strange." Since November of 2009, when Emily passed away quietly in her sleep, we have mourned the loss of several pets who were with us for a decade or more, Emily, Tynan, Bobbie Birdie and now Gryphon. And just like how all of those pets had very original personalities, lived different lives and had dissimilar deaths, grieving their loss has been unique as well. With Gryphon, it was hard for me to admit that I really, truly miss him.
Now that I have admitted that I miss him, it feels kind of liberating. I miss Gryphon. I miss stroking his face with both hands the way he liked. I miss rubbing his ears. I miss him trying to bite me when I'd attempt to stroke his body. I even miss his Siamese yowl at night. I miss him being curled up by my feet while I sleep. I miss him curled up next to me on the couch as I type. I miss feeding him. I miss him licking his hairball treatment out of my hand. I actually miss scooping his litter. I miss the sound of his paws on the floor. I miss him greeting me when I get home or going to find him if he didn't greet me. I miss picking him up and kissing him on his head even though he hated it. I just miss Gryphon so, so much.
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I made this in late 2011 while mourning these three beloved pets.
So why was this so hard to admit? Because it feels selfish. Gryphon was old and hated being old. Gryphon was ill and getting sicker. Gryphon was ready to leave and move on. I am glad he did. But I am also miserable. I don't really wish he was still alive so how can I miss him? Then I remember that there is no rhyme or reason to mourning.

If you search around there are five to seven stages of grief ranging from shock and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and isolation, adjusting and functioning, reconstructing, acceptance and hope. Well written articles about these stages tell you to interpret them loosely and let you know that you will drift in and out of each stage randomly- they are not necessarily sequential. After all, grief is weird. The process of mourning is just as unique as each of us and as individual as the lost pet we are grieving.

When you are mourning, especially with the loss of a pet, you will likely get all kinds of sympathies from friends and family. I have gained so, so much comfort and wisdom from conversations with loved ones over the last two weeks. But I have also gotten some "bad" advice. I put the word bad in quotes because I know the givers of the advice meant well, it was just advice that didn't necessarily reflect the individuality of how we each mourn in our own way. And I am sharing this with you so that if and when you ever need to mourn a pet, you can allow yourself to grieve in your own way, no matter what anyone else, including me, advises.

It is okay to have contradictory thoughts and feelings while you are grieving. It is also okay to have perfectly organized and rational thoughts during times of sorrow. As I have spent time reflecting on the life of the pets I mourn, I remember that my thoughts were all over the place while they were alive too. Perhaps, similar to researching the stages of grief and reading about what other people go through, this makes the oddity of grieving feel a little more normal. Just a little.

And missing Gryphon is normal. Yet I also walk by his grave each day and smile because he gets to be outside again like he so loved. I wish he was still alive but in his nine-year-old body. I occasionally sob then laugh... I am so lucky to have known him and to have had him spend over nineteen years with me however... wait. There is no argument with that. That was perfect. Except that it is over. Grief is strange.
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My beautiful "baby" Gryphon on his chair, October 21st, 2013.
'That's the reason they're called lessons,' the Gryphon remarked: 'because they lessen from day to day.'
-Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Caroll
7 Comments
Molly The Wally link
11/13/2013 05:12:35 pm

Gryphon is gone but not forgotten and that was a lovely tribute to your sweet one.
Have a tremendous Thursday.
Best wishes Molly

Reply
Roxy the traveling dog link
11/13/2013 07:33:38 pm

Very well put. Grief is different for anyone, and never easy. As women we tend to feel guilt over all kinds of stuff anyway, and mourning the loss of a pet would make that worse. Like you said, Am I allowed to be happy, am I doing this right? I am, sorry for your loss of Gryphon.

Reply
Elizabeth Keene link
11/13/2013 09:51:37 pm

Yes, it is strange, and right now, it's just plain raw. :( So sorry for your loss. 19 years is a very long time. Gryphon was one beautiful and very lucky cat.

Reply
Diane @ To Dog With Love link
11/13/2013 10:26:23 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. And you've got it right... grief is strange and everyone's experience is unique. Thanks for the post and adding some "normalcy" to the craziness of the grief process. Both losses I've experienced -- first with my Lhasa Thai many years ago and more recently with Cosmo -- were so very different. The reminder that the process is as individual as the lost pet we are grieving is an important one to remember :)

Reply
Jan K link
11/14/2013 02:35:10 am

Grief certainly is strange. It waxes and wanes....just when you think you are dealing with it well, something hits you, and boom....you're balling your eyes out again. I think we find ways to feel guilty, even when there is nothing to feel guilty about. I'm glad you admitted you miss Gryphon...I'm sure that was one step in your grieving process that you needed to do.

Reply
Emma link
11/18/2013 10:37:48 am

What a beautiful kitty he was! We are so sorry for your loss. Mom has also lost several pets the past few years and it is very hard.

Reply
Krista link
11/18/2013 08:16:35 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is complicated. And Hard. And it just plain sucks. I am currently feeling so so guilty and sad. We had to put down our 5 month old kitten last weekend and I am just beside myself with grief.I loved that little fuzzball so so much. He was sick when we adopted him (just kitten colds) and got them a couple times in the short time we had him. Then he stopped eating last week and after multiple vet visits, different foods, meds, etc, an xray revealed he had an obstruction. We ultimately decided to put him down. I couldn't fathom putting a kitten through such an invasive surgery that wasn't guaranteed to be fixed, and a shelter friend volunteer insists I did the right thing- saying that as he was sick from the beginning and had this so early, even if he did survive the surgery, it was likely he would get more, possibly multiple obstructions later in life. I just feel so awful. He was so young, barely enough time. And he was the sweetest, loving cat that I really bonded with, and him me. I know rationally it was the right thing, but emotionally I am in anguish- DID we do the right thing? What more could I have done? It seemed easier to put down my childhood dog of old age, but this just seems so unfair. It's only been a few days and I miss him so much. Like you, I miss all the little things- him sleeping at my feet, greeting me when I get home, meowing for food, butting me to play. I hope he knows how sorry I am for what we had to do, and that he knows how much I loved him and how much I didn't want this to happen. I just hope it gets better.

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